National Lampoon's Barely Legal
The Devil Says
Skip It
Teen sex comedies have a long and honorable history. Humans came up with the first when you were still little monkey-men, just down from the trees and wondering if that was really a good idea. Damn you were cute back then, all furry and big-eyed. One fuzzy guy noticed that the bigger fuzzy guys were getting all the tail, but he was too small and frightened to do anything useful about it. So he told himself, and later others like him, a story that involved the wimps getting the babes in the end. A million years later, after clothing was invented, the big change in the tale was that the females kept getting their clothes removed. You've got to wonder if the entire reason clothing was invented was so that pubescent males could imagine pieces being removed.
(A far too brief traditional girls' locker room scene.)
National Lampoon's Barely Legal (originally titled After School Special, but changed because someone actually believed that consumers would be stupid enough to confuse this with Hustler's porn series of the same name) is the latest entry in the teen sex comedy tradition, and could have benefited from the writing talents of that little monkey-man. Not that there isn't a good foundation here. With a lot more nudity, a little more sex, the addition of a few funny jokes, a complete re-write of the personalities of the main characters, and a change in at least half the plot, this could be a decent movie. Hmmm. Perhaps that might be asking for a bit much.
Deacon, Fred, and Matt, three high school geeks who've never been laid, decide the best way to get girls is to make a lot of money. The obvious way to do that? Make a porno flick in their basement. Somehow they get a hot, nice, and incredibly together stripper to be their star (I say "somehow" because nothing on screen makes any sense of it). What follows is a string of old, lame gags involving teens too embarrassed to deal with naked women. Now I've known teenagers a long time, and sex even longer, and this isn't the way it works. Yes, there are plenty of meek teens who can't get up the nerve to ask a girl out, much less to flop on her back and spread her legs. But if the girl is already naked, willing, and able, even the nerdiest high schooler is going to jump onboard.
Not that I'm bothered by a bit of unreality if it's funny,
but it's not. The three leads pushing each forward to avoid
being closest to the sexy chick
isn't a laugh-fest. Nor is incessant arguing about nothing
worth mentioning. Nor is a monkey cumming on a kid in a
wheelchair. Nor the local porno kingpin threatening to cut
off our hero's balls. There's also Tom Arnold, who is given
nothing to do as the generic, "funny-guy" father. He was amusing
once upon a time in True Lies, but
that's getting to be a long time ago, for mortals.
What Barely Legal has going for it is Amy Smart, Cameron Richardson, and Sarah-Jane Potts. All are beautiful. Unfortunately the first two are wasted; only Potts shows any skin. Richardson has a cameo as the true love of Deacon's life (wouldn't you think that would make her a major character?), while Smart plays the school slut without proving she's female. What kind of school slut keeps her nipples covered? Potts does her best, but her breasts alone can't carry the show.
Barely Legal is a tease. It keeps
promising sex and nudity, but doesn't deliver. A few
overly-short nipple flashes (mainly from Potts) are used to
string the viewer along, but there's no payoff. It's sad to
think that someone, anyone, might have thought that this sad
production could get by on its humor.
If you disobey me (never a good idea) and seek out Barely Legal, I warn you that it could be worse than I've stated. There is a cut version that plays on cable (which is still R-rated) which removes a good deal of Potts's bare nipples. What is the point of a T&A movie without the tits and ass?
Sins (What does this mean?)
| Pride | Confidence is good for picking up women, or something of similar fortune cookie depth. |
| Sloth | Nada. |
| Avarice | Nada. |
| Gluttony | Nada. |
| Aesthetics | Sarah-Jane Potts is attractive. |
| Surrogate Cruelty | Amy Smart punches the school bully, if that's your thing. |
| Thought | Not a chance. |
| Humor | A swing and a miss. |
| Lust | A G-rated sex scene, several nipple flashes from unnamed characters, and Sarah Jane Potts trying to support the whole movie on her breasts. |
