The
Devil's Reviews

Sean Connery — The Manly Bond

There's a temptation (and I'm a huge fan of giving into temptation) of analyzing the James Bond films based on the lead actor. I'm doing that to the extent that I've made a page for each. But in the case of Sean Connery, it's a foolish way to examine the series. When I hear someone say "I like the Connery films best" or "I like them least," it usually means the person hasn't seen most of them for awhile. The Connery films are too different to judge as a group (at least if your comparison is all the other Bond films). Connery may be consistent over the course of seven films, but little else is. These movies include the very simple (Dr. No) and the needlessly complex (Thunderball). There's the nearly realistic (From Russia With Love) and the completely absurd (Thunderball again). There's the epic action pic (Goldfinger) and the near-comedy (Diamonds Are Forever). Plus there's the series's most sci-fi offering (You Only Live Twice).

There are a few consistent items that I wish weren't. The early Bond films are lacking in fight choreography. There are blatantly pulled punches, sped up camera moments, and those ridiculous judo flips that were so popular in '60s cinema. The often used rear-projection shots aren't any better, with driving and skiing segments likely to inspire giggles. These aspects improved over time, but for most of the Connery era, they are a bit sad.

Connery's Bond is a tough man who is never bothered by a conscious. Daltan's could kill a defenseless person if he was angry, while Moore's would avoid it (although he does several times), but Connery's wouldn't think trice about gunning someone down.

He is also a little bit of a boy. His Bond is the most likely to give into his desires, particularly the silly ones (it is extremely difficult for him not to start a race with a speeding car in Goldfinger). He's educated and enjoys the finest things, but there's also something a little blue collar about him. He and Moore are the two that best satisfies the requirement that all women want Bond and all men want to be him. Yes, he's handsome and capable (all Bonds are), but more importantly, he's having a great time. It would be fun to be him. The biggest difference between Connery's and Moore's portrayal: Connery's Bond won't die of old age. He's a little suicidal, taking unnecessary risks for kicks, and eventually, that's going to bite him in the ass. Of course, he couldn't care less. 

Bond fit Connery like a glove, even from the earliest days when Connery had little acting experience (ah, they don't make films like Darby O'Gill and the Little People anymore). He became a better actor over the years, and is at his best in Never Say Never Again, which proves that great acting does not make a great movie. (To be more precise, Connery's best acting is in movies that have nothing to do with Bond, but that's not relevant here.)

Music has always been important in the Bond films. Connery's Bond is a Rat Pack kind of guy. He's absolutely comfortable in a Vegas casino with Dean Martin singing in the background. He's of a time, and could never fit into a rock-n-roll setting. He even insults The Beatles in Goldfinger. 

The Connery films are:

• Dr. No
• From Russia With Love
• Goldfinger
• Thunderball
• You Only Live Twice
• Diamonds Are Forever
• Never Say Never Again 

 

Dr. No

The first James Bond movie is a joy, and was even more so in 1962 when your average hero didn't fuck whatever woman he ran into (and then turn her over to the police), or shoot a helpless man. The elements that made Bond an icon are here to be seen (and sadly, are toned down in later films). 

The story is straightforward...what we get of it. A British agent has disappeared in Jamaica, and Bond is sent to find out what happened to him. He meets a CIA agent who is trying to find out who is messing with U.S. rocket launches. Since the missing agent had been taking a boat out to a mysterious island with an even more mysterious owner, Dr. No, he heads there, assuming that Dr. No is a criminal mastermind who holds power through fear over an army of henchmen. Of course, Bond's right. As for Dr. No's evil plot, well he...you see he's...with his reactor he's going to... OK, it's a bit hard to tell what the Hell Dr. No is doing, but he's out for revenge so maybe it's no deeper than that.

With only one "exotic" location, no gadgets, and some lackluster fights, it sounds like it might be a lesser film, but it isn't. The first half of Dr. No sings, when it is a small mystery movie with a refreshing protagonist. You get James Bond at his purist, a testosterone soaked  cold-blooded killer who knows how to enjoy himself.

Things get a little shaky once Bond lands on No's island. That anyone could believe a flame-throwing tank was a dragon pushes even Bond-film credibility (yup, both the overly submissive black man and the ditzy blond believe in dragons), and the climactic battle is lacking in every category (it's too easy, it is short and dull, there are far too many wide shots, and it includes a simple "blow up the lab" knob). But that weak second half also introduces Ursula Andress's Honey Ryder. Andress is dubbed. Her character is dim, she only exists to be saved, her motivation is non-existent, and I don't care about any of it. James Bond is the man every male wants to be, and when Honey rises out of the sea in her white bikini, she is the woman that every man wants to have.

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride	It's Bond. That says it all.
Sloth	Nada.
Avarice	In his first appearance, 007 makes it clear that he likes to live the good life: high stakes gambling and only the finest things.
Gluttony	Dining is rare, as is drinking. He works on this sin in later films.
Aesthetics	Nothing but Andress, rising out of the water.
Surrogate Cruelty	Of course. The best being Bond's execution of a helpless man.
Thought	Enough to set the tone, but fewer than in later Connery, Moore, and Brosnan films.
Humor	The tone is light and there are a few good lines, but Bond's penchant for one-liners would develop over the next few films.
Lust	James Bond proves himself to be a man of the Playboy generation. He starts off with purely recreational sex with an unknown woman, moves on to fucking an enemy agent to keep her in one place and for the fun of it, and then ends up with Honey. As for a sight to trigger the viewers' lust, there's the stunning Andress. Females will have to settle for a shirtless Connery.

 

 

From Russia With Love

The second James Bond film pulls the fantastic elements and action way back.  It pretends to be a realistic spy picture, and you could almost believe it, well, that is until you realize that an international organization of evil, led by a weirdo with a cat-petting fetish, is using a female Russian spy to lure Bond into stealing a machine for them, and the girl is so overwhelmed by Bond's pheromones that she gives up country, family, and philosophy to cling to his side.  She is described as absolutely loyal to the state, but a few moments with Bond and she's a traitor.

Ah, don't mistake me. I like females changing their pubic hair color at a nod from a powerful male presence, and I'm keen on feline bestiality.  However, these items aren't part of real-world espionage (well, there may be some cat-sex going on, but never in front of the hired help). From Russia With Love is the story of a superhuman archetype attempting to thwart the outlandish plan of a comic book villain who leads a goofy gang, and it takes itself so seriously. Hey, if you've got something that's silly, embrace it.  That's what happened with the next film, the classic Goldfinger.

This is James Bond, so there's the occasional not-so-random act of violence. The body count is small, but that isn't necessarily bad as the most is made of each killing. But with the action toned down, you'll want to look elsewhere for kick-ass effects. It's all OK, but not nearly as exciting as we've come to expect when the name "James Bond" is mentioned.

There's nothing wrong with From Russia With Love, except its serious demeanor, but there isn't much that rises above the average. It is a little film coming after the apparently larger Dr. No (which had a smaller budget) and the nearly epic Goldfinger. But it is good for a laugh. After the "real life"  scenes, I can't help but chortle at the conversation:  

Bond: Is that what you chaps in SMERSH call each other.
Villain: SMERSH?
Bond: Of course, SPECTRE.

I'm sure those are lines heard by real spies every day.

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride	James likes being James.
Sloth	Nada.
Avarice	Nada.
Gluttony	A little wine.
Aesthetics	The scenery isn't bad, but is nothing special.
Surrogate Cruelty	Plenty of family friendly killings and James indulges in domestic violence.
Thought	Bond shows less signs of intelligence than normal.
Humor	A few one-liners, but this one is played pretty straight.
Lust	James is a fine advocate for the sin, however, a bit of belly dancing and a cat fight between gypsy girls is as good as the visuals get.  The Bond girls display lingerie, but not much skin.

 

 

Goldfinger

From the first strands of the now famous theme (Goldfinger! He's the man, the man with the Midas touch—A spider's touch.), it's clear that Goldfinger is going to be a remarkable film. It is the defining James Bond picture. If you don't like it, you don't like the series (you may have some fondness for an individual movie, but you're no Bond fan). At most, three of the later films weren't based on it (and those all with short-term Bond actors), and it isn't a wild exaggeration to say they all were. The details were still being worked out in Dr. No and From Russia With Love went off in a different direction, but here the formula is laid out.

After an irrelevant but exciting pre-credits sequence, and the theme played over intriguing female images, James Bond is sent to investigate a mad man. This time it's Auric Goldfinger, who obsesses over gold and has a plan that will cause havoc in the world. The villain is surrounded by an army of easily killable henchman and one super sidekick who uses his hat as a weapon. Bond goes through a number of sexy girls and gadgets before discovering what it's all about and finding a hot babe who will live to the end credits.

Except for some shoddy special effects (watch the planes over Fort Knox) and fights containing changes in film speed, there's nothing to complain about in Goldfinger and so much to commend. Every other scene has become a part of Western culture: the gold painted nude corpse; the ejector seat in a sports car; the laser aimed at Bond's genitals (“Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” ). The Villain is the series' best, with multiple later copies never living up to the original, and the mute Korean bodyguard is a marvelously inventive creation. 

Goldfinger is most amusing when demonstrating Bond's overwhelming sexual dominance on all who come near him. He's so good, so manly, that he can convert a lesbian, and in doing so, change her allegiance. Pussy Galore (what a wonderful name) is the mistress of team of Sapphic blonde pilots. She's a butch top who dresses the part (well, at least in the eyes of prudish, straight society) and is "immune" to the charms of men. That is until Bond flips her into the hey. One good fuck and she's a new woman. I don't support cinematic orientation conversions being a huge fan of lesbian sex (an act of Lust clear of reproductive connections), but is there a more prevalent male fantasy?

Goldfinger is Bond.

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride	As always, James is a proud man, and it's good to be him.
Sloth	Nada.
Avarice	It's clear that Bond knows a few things about the good life.
Gluttony	Champaign, fine brandy. The man knows how to live.
Aesthetics	The cinematography is nice, but for a Bond film, this sin is low key.
Surrogate Cruelty	Plenty. Bond uses a girl to block a club, and that's in the first three minutes.
Thought	Bond is both intelligent and well informed.
Humor	A light tone and plenty of one-liners.
Lust	Again, Bond is a man fully at home with lust, and uses it on Pussy.

 

 

ThunDerball

In these politically correct times, any film that starts with the hero blackmailing a girl into having sex with him makes me smile. And that grin widens in this case, where she isn't even at fault for the event he is holding over her head (a fact he knows, but she doesn't).

Ah, but Thunderball isn't all coerced sex. It is the silliest James Bond film.  Some claim that honor goes to the space-based Moonraker, but it acknowledges its unlikely premise. Thunderball takes its story seriously, which makes it all the more absurd.  And what is that plot?  SPECTRE, the secret organization of evil, steals nuclear bombs in order to extort money from NATO. James, who happens, by accident upon a vital clue, heads out to defeat the bad guys.  SPECTRE is once again led by the seldom-seen Number One (Blofeld), who spends his time speaking in ominous tones and petting his cat. The plot and characters are the basis for the parody Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, but it's a parody already.  It even has a pool of sharks to devour red shirts. 

Thunderball is bigger and more opulent than its predecessors. With a budget the equal to that of all three earlier Bond films combined, it offers more gadgets, more effects, more drawn out combat scenes (how many times can you have anonymous figures fight underwater?), and more screen (using the Panivision widescreen process). It's money without content.  I don't' expect a lot of plot in a Bond film, but something aught to compel one scene to follow another. It's pretty much random here. And slow.  At 130 minutes, it's easily a half hour too long. Claudine Auger and Luciana Paluzzi are attractive as the good and bad Bond girls, respectively, but are forgettable.

The nonsense is piled high.  An enemy spy attends his faked funeral in drag? A jet pack? Bond is almost killed by the high setting of an exercise machine? The villains coincidently carry out their evil deeds at a health club that Bond is attending—for his health?  There are many more examples.  However, it's unfair to attack a Bond film for ridiculous story points, provided there's plenty of excitement. Thunderball lacks that excitement.  It is so dull that you are given time to think about how much sense it all makes, which is a real problem.  We should be distracted by the sheer spectacle.

At least we have the Tom Jones song, where he croons, "And he strikes, like thunderball."  Huh.  How exactly does one "strike like thunderball?"

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride	Same as always; the confident man wins.
Sloth	Nada.
Avarice	Bond hangs with a moneyed crowd, but as they're all bad, there's not much of a lesson.
Gluttony	Somehow it didn't have the same oomph as normal.
Aesthetics	Nice island settings, diminished by some sad rear-projection work.
Surrogate Cruelty	Plenty of family friendly violence. No more than a few seconds of off-screen torture. Bond has been toned down from the previous films—less brutal.
Thought	Nada. The movie's too dumb for Bond's intellect to matter.
Humor	The expected one-liners.
Lust	Bond gets some.  Quite a bit of girls in swimwear, and Sean goes shirtless.

 

 

You Only Live Twice

The Roger Moore years are often stereotyped as tons-o-gadgets/sci-fi plots, but the Thunderball-You Only Live Twice combo is the high point of over-the-top Bondian fantasy.  That isn't a bad thing (OK, it was a bad thing with Thunderball); just an indication of the type of movie you're in for. 

An unknown spaceship is gobbling up first American and then Russian space capsules...in space. Both sides blame the other. James, after faking his own death, is sent to Japan to find the ones really behind the crimes. Constantly running into people who want him dead, he teams up with Japanese agents, particularly two hot babes, to find the secret base of...who else...SPECTRE.

The story is even further removed from reality than Thunderball's, though with far fewer unlikely coincidences. Not a second is to be taken seriously. This is big, broad, spectacular adventure without a brain cell in sight. Luckily, it succeeds in keeping things exciting (most of the time), so the silliness is something to dwell on after the movie is over.

No one is going to put You Only Live Twice on the top of their "Best James Bond films" list. Even where it works best it has its flaws. The story slows too much in the middle, with James at ninja school and going through a fake wedding. Was the marriage really necessary? It has no effect on the plot. Then there's Bond's racial transformation—one of the most embarrassing events in the entire series.  He might be able to pass as a Vulcan on Star Trek, but never as anyone with a drop of Asian blood.

Both of the Bond Girls were veterans of Toho's Godzilla films. While Akiko Wakabayashi (the primary babe) isn't bad, I prefer her as an alien-possessed princess in Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster.

You Only Live Twice will be enjoyed the most by males who need a fantasy of not only being a super-spy, but of a whole country of submissive women who understand that, as the head of the Japanese spies states, "men cum first, women second." Fantasy is a wonderful thing.

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride	Bond loves being Bond.
Sloth	Never do anything for yourself that someone can do for you.
Avarice	It's costly to have a Japanese bathhouse in your home, complete with Japanese girls.
Gluttony	It's important to know the proper way to serve and enjoy saki.
Aesthetics	The volcanic island is sensational, and it's filmed well. The best looking of the Connery Bond films.
Surrogate Cruelty	We've got some lovely moments here. The evil bitch being eaten by piranha is particularly satisfying.
Thought	We're reminded that Bond was an impressive student.
Humor	A few gags and one-liners.
Lust	Naturally Bond gets to sleep with his co-stars, but primarily off screen.  More amusing is his group bath.  I love being bathed by cute Oriental girls (even if some look remarkably Occidental).

 

 

Diamonds are Forever

Connery is back as James Bond after a one-film absence. He's a bit long-in-the-tooth, but he's got a lot more life than the somnambulant George Lazenby, so why complain about a few lines under the eyes? After the melodramatic On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Diamonds are Forever is a welcome return to fun.  It's the lightest of the pre-Moore films, and is in the running for most comedy-laden Bond outing. It's sci-fi silliness with gratuitous bathing beauty shots and impossible car stunts. I couldn't be happier.

After killing long time enemy Ernst Blofeld in the pre-title sequence, Bond is assigned to a diamond smuggling case that leads him to Vegas and a couple of Bond babes. It also leads him to a pair of homosexual assassins, a kidnapped billionaire, a space-based laser, world blackmail, and an old friend. It is all terribly unlikely, which doesn't' matter a bit.

The babes are all shoehorned into the story, which is just fine. The very lovely Plenty O'Toole (a fine Bond girl name) just shows up when the movie needs cleavage. Tiffany Case exists mainly to model her swimwear. There's also a tag team of female wrestlers, Bambi and Thumper, who try an pin Bond because... Welll... Why not? 

Diamonds are Forever's finest moments don't come courtesy of the breasty fems or the returning Connery, but from the perpetually happy and high team of Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. Earning a top spot on the Bond Henchman List, they are always funny yet have that note of danger that only psychosis can supply.

Wint and Kidd, along with the unusually clever dialog, may distract you from the lack of tension. The movie has an air of the inconsequential about it.  This is James Bond as fluff, which is saying something since Bond is never Hamlet').  The plot doesn't hold together (why are all the diamond smugglers being murdered?) and changes in midstream; hardly the way to make the viewer care about what comes next. The action scenes aren't much to talk about either. Never mind. Diamonds are Forever is a nice little comedy. Enjoy it for what it is.

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride	Hey, it's Bond.
Sloth	Nada.
Avarice	James enjoy the good life, but as it turns out, diamonds aren't really forever.
Gluttony	Drinking, eating, and smoking. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Aesthetics	A little low this time. The flesh is fine.
Surrogate Cruelty	The normal body count, plus Bond is none to gentle with the girls, strangling one (not to death) and nearly drowning two others. Yeah, it made me smile.
Thought	James is still a smart cookie, and you'd like to be that smart.
Humor	Yup.  Bond is funny, Tiffany is funnier, and Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint are classic.
Lust	We're in good shape. Lots of shapely dames, and Bond gets a bite or two.

 

 

Never Say Never Again

What's with the music? I don't use anything that bad to torture damned souls. The filmmakers didn't have the rights to the famous Bond theme, but is this really the best they could come up with?

Legal wrangling over the Thunderball story, the concept of SPECTRE, and the character of Blofeld gave Kevin McClory the rights to make his own Bond film, a fact that didn't thrill Albert R. Broccoli, the producer of the "official" Eon movies. The trick was that it had to be essentially Thunderball again, hardly the finest plot to work with, but at least there was no worry of this film suffering by comparison to the original. McClory's coup was luring back an aging Sean Connery to the role he said he'd never do again.  This resulted in a Bond vs. Bond competition with the official Roger Moore Octopussy released in the same year.  Moore won, but no one cares now, nor should they have then.

For those of you who find scrolling up to read the synopses of Thunderball too taxing, I'll repeat the basics.  SPECTRE, led by cat-petting Ernest Stavro Blofeld, swipes two nuclear bombs and uses them to extort money from the West.  Bond happens upon a key member of the plot while at a spa, which leads him to bad guy Largo and his hot girlfriend, Domino.

Never Say Never Again is a middling, semi-franchise entry. Connery is too old to portray the sexy super-spy, but he's also a far better actor in his '50s than he was in his '30s. The action is none-too-exciting, with a tame motorcycle chase and a non-suspenseful shark duel leading up to a so-so group shoot-out that has been done better in eight or nine other Bond films. 

While the fight scenes are nothing special, Never Say Never Again does excel in silliness.  Fatima Blush is straight out of a comic-book.  Sure, past Bond villainesses have put off killing James in order to sleep with him, but she's the first one to postpone his murder so that he could write a glowing report on her sexual prowess. Think of her as Cruella De Vil. Other characters exist purely for comedy.  M is a dweebish joke-boss who's concerned about too many free radicals in the body.  Rowan Atkinson (The Black Adder, Mister Bean) even shows up as a slapstick civil servant. There are loads of enema jokes and the like, with Bond defeating an opponent by throwing a beaker of urine at him. The gadget factor is turned way up. There's a pen that shoots an incendiary bullet that leaves nothing but a shoe, a laser watch, and portable rocket stands. All this isn't bad. The movie just knows what it is.  It never takes itself seriously, and is always winking at the audience (literally in the last scene when Connery breaks the forth wall).

Following the fads: Video games.

Sins (What does this mean?)

Pride	Bond's pretty sure of himself, and wouldn't you like to be like Bond?
Sloth	Nada.
Avarice	Bond mingles with the upper classes, but it doesn't mean much.
Gluttony	Bond points out that gourmet foods beat "healthy" ones any day, and gets laid for his effort.
Aesthetics	Nada besides Bassinger's bod.
Surrogate Cruelty	It's James Bond, so the body count is high. The oddest murder is committed by tossing a snake into a moving car.  Not the best method in the world.
Thought	At least the dumb characters are made fun of.
Humor	Everything is light and done with a sense of humor.  You won't laugh, but there are plenty of "smile" moments.
Lust	Bond manages his normal G-rated sexual conquests: hot spa employee, barely introduced spy, evil chick.  There's also a brief Connery/Bassinger shower and Basinger rides horseback in her underwear.